Kikuyu Parents

Wairimu had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father chased her out:"Where have you been all this time, you idiot! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through??!!

The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here prostitute, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again! ...out"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country Club an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and ..."

Now what was it you said you had become?
"Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!”. Sniff, sniff
"Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, my daughter! I thought you said "a Protestant".

Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Mom with her three daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on howmarital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Nakuru two days after the wedding.The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Mombasa a week after the wedding,and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size.She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon to Kakamega Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "Kenya Airways." Mom took out her latest Standard Newspaper Digger Classified pages, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for KQ. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...

How to recruit the right person for the job

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze thesituation:

If they are counting the bricks................ Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them...................... Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks............... Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order................. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other................... Put them in operations .
If they are sleeping.................... Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces................. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle.................................. Put them in human resources .
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.......... Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day......................... Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window............................. Put them in strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved..............Congratulate them and put them in top management!!

Innocent Katelyn

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Conner was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Conner began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

And the story goes………………………………..

Mr. Brian got home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".The mysterious Man answered "This isn'tyour bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground "This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" repliesBrian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode"."You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"."Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was thebest thing that had happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting;

"Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard,..........unakunia kwa kitanda!!!!!"

KBL'S New Warnings

Heard some rather disturbing news........In order to comply with a new law, KBL will now be required to display a health warning on all their bottles of brew.

These are the top 14 on the list......and the symptoms must indeed sound familiar to some of you!!

14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.